finding the unexpected harvest

my heart was broken a thousand times this morning.

today, I had my first shift volunteering in the cancer center at Duke Raleigh. I arrived at 8am, still super exhausted from fall retreat this past weekend, and slightly annoyed that I hadn't had time to finish my coffee. but, all of that changed. the first patient that I got to meet did not look like she was battling a deadly sickness. she looked healthier than I am! I sat down to chat with her, and she shared some wise advice with me. her optimism towards everything took me by surprise. they weren't kidding when I heard that the most optimistic and positive folks you'll ever meet will have cancer.

but it didn't stop there. as I walked away from her station, I was overcome with an urge to cry. not the urge to 'let a few tears out' cry, but the urge to weep. this woman did not know Jesus. she looked like someone who I could pass on the street and never give a thought to... and she didn't know the One who can give her hope and peace in this difficult time. the One who has called me close and redeemed me from my multitude of sins and shortcomings. the Holy One who calls me beloved daughter, and calls her beloved daughter.

the following 3 hours was an emotional roller coaster. Jesus broke my heart for every single patient in that room. In breaking my heart for his children there, he showed me a glimpse of His heart and his strong desire to reconcile the lost to him. God showed me a glimpse of His love for His children, even the ones who don't know Him. Y'all, I was moved by how much I loved these patients before I even said a word to them. 

I am absolutely exhausted and spent from loving on those patients for Jesus. and that's the first time in a long while that I've been that exhausted from loving and reaching people for Jesus. this is so convicting for me because every night, my exhaustion is from doing things - homework, tasks, readings. why am I not spending the majority of my energy every day reaching lost hearts for the One who created them, died on a cross to know them, and longs to give them grace? 

who is your heart breaking for? pray for Jesus to reveal to you those around you that so desperately need the love of the Most High. and LOVE them. carry their burdens for them. show them the unending grace, mercy, hope, peace, and love that we have found in Christ. it's something that I don't do often enough.

"Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”

-Matthew 9:37-38

breathing hallelujahs

friends, it has been way too long. it has been almost a year since the Lord has put it on my heart to share with you all what He has been doing in my heart! the lack of posts definitely does not correlate with how much God has moved- He has been teaching me quite a few lessons in the past 12 months.

For those of you who do not know, I'm approaching my (cringing as I type this...) senior year of COLLEGE. Where the heck does time go?! That being said, I've been busy preparing for my next steps after college... AKA medical school. A week ago, I took the MCAT, which is basically the SAT on insane steroids for medical school instead of college. I was terrified of the test, naturally... I don't think many people would be thrilled to take a 4 hour long test bursting at the seams with organic chemistry, physics, general chemistry, biology, and verbal reasoning.

For me, passing the MCAT with an above average score is basically an impossible task. As of now, I have no idea what my scores are. Every practice exam I took ended in average scores, so I don't expect my scores to deviate much from that. But, this information doesn't matter. I wanted to share what God placed in my heart and how He encouraged me through an impossible task.

God brought me to the book of Joshua while I was paralyzed with fear the week of the MCAT, and it deeply encouraged my heart and lifted my Spirits. There are two things that God is teaching me:

1. He is promising and reminding me: "Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous... This Book ofthe Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it." (Joshua 1:5b-6a, 8a).

Later on in the book, Joshua and the Israelites follow God's commands to claim His promised land. God parts the giant Jordan River so that the Israelites can cross the river on DRY land (ch. 4). I don't know about y'all, but that floors me. God gave His people a specific (and slightly random) set of instructions, which they followed to a T, always maintaining a strong faith that God will deliver them to the promised land, and fulfill His promises. The book of Joshua continues, and God gives them a specific (and again, slightly random) set of instructions to defeat the city of Jericho (ch. 6). Again, His people follow the instructions to a T, ever faithful that God is working for the good of His people, and God crumbles the city of Jericho before their eyes.

The MCAT was my impossible-to-pass Jordan river, and my impossible-to-conquer Jericho. I don't know the results, but I know that God is working despite them for His good, and that the results will fulfill His plan for my life, right now, in this season. Whether I have bombed it, or I passed with flying colors, I will glorify Him, because I have faith in His plan for my life, and in His plan with every obstacle in my life. It was difficult to come to terms with this; it is hard to imagine that a failing grade or terrible scores could be glorifying to God. But they are. I stepped out in faith and completed the impossible task set before me because I know that the Creator of the universe and the Ultimate Physician has gone before me, because I know that I have no power in myself to have a successful score, and because I know that it is only with the strength, energy, knowledge, courage, and power from God, not myself,  that I can even complete these tests and tasks. It is so important to keep the Word in my mouth, and to 'meditate on it day and night' (v.8); God uses His Scriptures to direct our feet and remind us of Truth during these impossible tasks.

This brings me to my second lesson that I am currently learning, which will explain the post title:

2. Everything I do must be for the glory of the Lord.

We know that obedience to the Lord gives glory to Him; joyfully doing the tasks set before us will glorify the One who assigned them. The Israelites answered God's command to follow Him with, "All that you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go." (Joshua 1:16) They also answered His commands and instructions with obedience and faith.

But, everything we do isn't a explicit command or set of instructions from God. We must glorify Him with our words, even the ones spoken to each other. We must glorify Him with our possessions, even the most trivial of them. We must glorify Him with the most routine of our activities. We must glorify Him with our steps, with what we read, with what we watch, with what we think...with how we deal with disappointment and failures, with the way we complete a task, with our attitude during a hard season of life... We must glorify Him with our every breath. Doesn't He deserve that?! Doesn't our Creator and King and his fierce love for His children demand a worthy response of shouting His name and truth from the mountaintops?!

Y'all, don't get me wrong. This is so difficult for me to do. I'm preaching to the choir here. My heart is so prone to wander and forget to give glory to the One who holds it. God has been teaching me over the past year how I can glorify Him with my education, going to class, doing my organic chemistry homework, taking a physics test, completing a medical school application... things that I least categorized as able to glorify God. But honestly, who was I kidding? God created every element of the periodic table. He intimately knows every process and cell of every body. He commands the forces of physics that act upon every moving object on earth. He is the Creator of these intriguing (although complicated) subjects, and deserves to be glorified for orchestrating them so perfectly! It makes my head hurt every time I think about it, because it absolutely blows my mind how He is present everywhere. He is present in every breath, and deserves to be glorified with every breath.

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"The English word “hallelujah” is a transliteration of two Hebrew words, "hallelu" and "jah". The first word, "hallelu", is the second person imperative of “praise.” The second word, "jah," is the short form of "Jahweh" (or "Yahweh").So when we say, “Hallelujah!” we are exhorting others (people and angels) to join us in praising Yahweh.What gives a punch to my singing, “Hallelujah,” is that Jah (= Yahweh) is not a generic word for God, but the personal name of the God of Israel." - John Piper, taken from: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/helping-you-sing-hallelujah-with-true-exuberance

reminders

the bachelorette has found her a man! (with a big fat diamond ring, too!) (fyi - guys, i promise this isn't all about the bachelorette!) I am, indeed, on the bachelorette/bachelor band wagon. it does tug at my heart strings whenever I see someone find love.. it definitely made me excited and giddy whenever I watched the awaited proposal (I totally chose chris from the beginning). but along with those feelings, I am oh so excited for the future. my future. you see - I am resting that my singleness now because first, I know it brings glory to the Lord and speaks of His character..second, because I know waiting for the guy (yes...future hubby! whoever you are...) that the Lord has planned for me will bring Him more glory and be a testimony of His love for us than my search for the perfect guy will ever be (all of my past relationships have failed so far...AKA my efforts fail.) I am satisfied with God and only God. I will only ever be satisfied by God. so, I'm resting in His plan. and it feels OH so good!

friends, watching the bachelorette has brought up many feelings, so I decided to blog a few of them to share with all of you.

1. being alone isn't bad. nor is being single. I loathe what our society has created of singleness - it's a stigma of being single. YALL, SINGLENESS IS NOT BAD IN ANY WAY! wake up and smell the roses! the sweetest, deepest, most treasured seasons of my life have been when I was single. (still single...and these seasons just keep getting better!!!) and I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who has experienced that. embrace this season if you're single. treasure it for what it's worth. the Lord would not put you where you are without a reason .. enjoying the season that you're in will help you to seek after the Lord and see how He's working in you and around you, and you should glorify Him for that! if we're constantly seeking for the 'one' (perfect example: the bachelor and the bachelorette), then we're blinded to the glorious beauty and works of Our Creator. 

I choose to embrace my singleness and seek His face and His hands in the world in me and around me. what do you choose?

2. secondly, I want to remind you of the promises that have been breathed over us by the Most High. they haven't just been typed into a book millions of times, but Y-O-U have been laced together by the Prince of Peace, who was whispering (and hasn't stopped whispering these over you!) so many promises over you. of course, sometimes He has to shout these things at us because we're so darn ignorant, but the promises never change! they're spoken in love- pure, unconditional love that never wavers. look up these verses and rest in them. savor them. praise Him for them!

He will grant us peace.

Isaiah 26:3

He IS peace.

John 14:27

He is our strength.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He sustains us.

Psalm 1:1-3

He loves us even though we're unworthy.

Isaiah 54:10

He is with us always.

Deuteronomy 31:8

He is our JOY.

Romans 15:13

I hope these are sweet reminders to you of who He is. rejoice that these are promises spoken over you! seek the Lord actively.

on a side note, I know it's been a loooong while since I've blogged. but that doesn't mean the Lord hasn't been teaching me tons! I'm going to blog sometime (hopefully soon) to share what He has taught me this summer. until next time!!

***

"And the three men before fire, they whisper the startling answer in Daniel, the answer of all of holy writ and writhing humanity: “And even if He doesn’t” – Even if He doesn’t do what we beg, we are still His beloved. Even if He doesn’t, He still is. Even if He doesn’t do what we will, His will is still right and His heart is still good and the people of God will not waver. Real prayer has eyes on Christ, not the crisis."

-Ann Voskamp

thanks to my friend who shared this on Facebook tonight. hope you this made you think as much as it did for me!

single...and loving it.

oh, how burdened my heart is by how much we worry and fret about not dating anyone! it's so easy to be consumed by the desires to have a boyfriend - I'm so guilty of it. 

as I have shared with many people, I have committed myself to a year of singleness. yes, this is strange because it's not normal. I have willingly stayed single and content for almost a year now. it has been the most difficult and joyful year in my life. 

why did I choose this? I wanted to pursue the Lord's heart. I wanted to really understand what it meant to walk with Him daily - without boy distractions - and what it means to fall in love with my Savior. the year began with a deep heartache and a struggle to see the Lord's plan. I have learned the really difficult lesson of true forgiveness and how to LIVE the Gospel- not just believe it. then, I have learned the that the Lord is my Sustainer. 

 once I worked through all the baggage that I began this year with, I've taken a few steps backwards as of lately. I've been letting the desire to date someone come back up again, which caused worry and a little anxiety to come out. it seemed like tons of people around me were beginning to date others and I was in the minority that was very very very single (which is a lie, the majority of my friends are single). I started to feel lonely. 

all of those feelings are normal. but, when I let those feelings enter my head and my heart, I was turning away from God as my Sustainer, my Comfort, my Beloved, the Keeper of my heart, and my Satisfaction. I was rejecting His character for my anxiety and worry and loneliness. 

friends, don't be consumed by the lies that the world keeps telling us! having a boyfriend or a girlfriend does NOT complete you. they never complete you. they were never MEANT to complete you! God is the only one meant to fulfill the needs and desires of your heart. He is an unending source of love, comfort, and grace- PERFECT love, comfort, and grace at that! 

let me share a sweet truth that i encountered from a blog post this morning:

"Don't be ashamed of the single calling. Instead, be confident that singleness is intended by God to say something glorious about Him, about His supreme sufficiency to satisfy every need, and His supreme worth to be loved and devoted to exclusively by all." 

let's get honest for a second. for people like me who have grown up in church, we've heard that God is great and awesome and our only hope and our Savior and all that good stuff. and that's great! we should know that. but - it takes your faith onto another level if you UNDERSTAND it and APPLY it to your daily life. you have to spend TIME with Him to be able to understand His character of being great and awesome and our only hope and our Savior and SO much more. 

if you are in the place that i was- and still am sometimes, wrestling with singleness- i challenge you to look to Him instead of aching for a significant other. SINGLENESS IS A VALUABLE SEASON OF LIFE! this is when you can learn just who you are in Christ, when you can show others the supremacy of the Gospel by being satisfied in-and only in- God! don't let being single define you. being called to be single is not something reflecting who you are- but who GOD is! you have such an awesome and unique opportunity to show others that satisfaction doesn't come from boys or girls (or anything else, for that matter) but from CHRIST!!!

here is a Psalm that has brought me through this struggle:

"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me? 

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 

and day after day have sorrow in my heart? 

How long will my enemy triumph over me? 

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 

and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” 

and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation. 

I will sing the Lord’s praise, 

for he has been good to me." 

-Psalm 13, NIV 

the life that I live now is purely a product of the grace and love that has been continuously and unconditionally poured into me by my Sustainer, and not of my own merit or efforts. 

looking forward

oh, friends. i'm back. with a heavy heart.

a heavy heart because I continue to forget a lesson the Lord has taught me over and over again.

you see, I really really enjoy planning, setting specific, yet very reasonable, goals. and these goals are very, very, very normal...and then God steps in and blows it all to pieces. okay, that might be a bit overdramatic, but you get the picture, right? 

I often (conveniently and selfishly) forget that it costs something to follow Jesus. 

let's break this apart- for my sake and for your reading pleasure. first of all, it cost Jesus HIS LIFE for us to follow Him. let that sink in. HE bore the weight of the world's past, present, and future sins for US (so we wouldn't have to!) so that we could encounter and know the living God who created us in His image. 

second, it is never, ever said in the Bible that following Jesus is a walk in the park. it's not easy. yes, it's not easy because there is persecution, but it's also not easy because as a follower of Christ, we must learn to surrender our idea of what life is like. I've never really grasped what that means until now- when God is prying my plans, goals, and expectations for the future out of my iron grip (in case you haven't noticed, I'm wrestling with Him right now). 

it's really quite hard. it's no fun. it means surrendering everything I know and have planned to the unknown. as a typical type A person, that terrifies me. I do not do unplanned. I do not do the unknown. but, I DO do unplanned by me, and planned by God. He has shown me His plan is far, far greater than mine is. 

"And we know that for those who love God,

all things work together for good, 

for those according to his purpose."

-Romans 8:28, ESV

so, according to His Word, if we are in a relationship with God and walk with Him, everything works together for good. It's not just our idea of what is good for us (trust me, our selfish, narrow-minded ideas are a long shot from the true good), it's 'good.' what is good? HE IS. all things work together because He has designed it so...that He may be glorified among the nations. of course, tragedies happen and bad things are right and left, but that's a result of evil being present in the world. but in the end, Christ wins. He already conquered death- He conquered evil at the cross, when He came back to life! 

back to the point... what is our charge as followers of Christ? to make His name be known! His purpose is for those who don't know Him to realize His deep unconditional love for them, and what He has done for them when He took their -our!- sins on the cross! 

I guess what He is teaching my heart is this: I have thought that my plans falling through as inherently bad, but what does it matter if what happens in the place of my plans are for His glory and for His name to be made known? after all, my plans are to follow Him for the rest of my life; to seek after His heart until I meet Him in heaven. my heart deeply desires that my life would be a testimony to Him. because of this, I must surrender my plans. because His plans are always better.

"How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none.... For Him time does not pass, it remains.... God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which He must work. To know this is to quiet our spirits and relax our nerves."

-A. W. Tozer

He is HERE

hello again. it's me. once again procrastinating, just like always.

tonight I went to a worship and prayer night at the Summit (my church in raleigh- I've been so blessed by it. if you're looking for a good Gospel centered church, try it out!) as yet another act of procrastination. to be honest, I wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary- a time to worship Jesus just like on Sunday mornings at church.

well, this chick was wrong to expect little. very wrong.

I arrived about twenty minutes late (I hate being late to things like that and having to walk awkwardly in front of everyone) and tried to sneakily make it to the second row where my seat was saved (thanks hales and jessica!). holy. cow. I had barely heard five words and I had chills; goosebumps were all over the body. the Spirit was alive and moving; I could physically FEEL God's presence. isn't that incredible?! honestly, I don't remember a word either person said for the next ten minutes because I was just sitting there in awe that the Lord blessed me with a few minutes of being able to feel His presence and feel Him draw me close.

....which gets me to the point of this blog post. it blows my mind how personal God is. like, I can't wrap my head around it. He knows the number of hairs on our heads, He knows the most intimate depths of our souls, He has our names ENGRAVED on His hands (isaiah 49:16)! oh, how He loves us! I can point out little, tiny details of each day that are gifts given to me by Him that delight me! today my gift was definitely being able to feel His presence and get a tiny iny miniscule taste of what heaven will be like, praising Jesus for all of eternity.  don't put God in a box and confine Him into heaven. He is HERE, around us, always present! He is ALIVE and living among us- don't forget that truth!

do you really believe that God loves you personally? do you seek Him and His hand in your life daily? can you point out His 'little gifts' to you each day that He uses to woo your heart towards Him? do you know Him personally?

if you answered no to any of those, then I challenge you to seek Him daily. He LOVES you! He constantly pursues our hearts and yearns to know us, and yearns for us to know Him, our Creator and Savior! 

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness; 

he will quiet you by his love; 

he will exult over you with loud singing." 

-Zephaniah 3:17

matters of the heart.

this topic is oh so appropriate for this week and the looming shadow of Valentines Day. (aka singles awareness day - SAD if you will ;) ) this year is the same as every year - I feel like singles are hyperaware of the absence of love in their life. our hearts are made for someone...but that someone is God!

okay, forgive me for the cheesiness, but let's be honest. He is the Creator of our hearts, and He has made them to be satisfied in Him. our hearts long to be loved, protected, cared for, pursued, and so much more. God offers that to us- to everyone!! it is only in Him that our hearts can be at rest and truly satisfied; it is only from HIM that our thirsts can finally be quenched (John 4:14).

last summer, I made a split-second decision to be single for a year (yes, by choice....) and to actively pursue the Lord and discover who I am in Him. it's kind of a foreign concept, right- choosing to be single? yet one of the best decisions of my life. I've grown so much. I've learned so much. I'm more comfortable with myself and confident of who I am in Him.

I know many people struggle with not having a companion, and I have been there myself (and continue to go there sometimes). but these past several months have been some of the sweetest months that I've experienced in my life. it's actually TRUE- you don't need a boy to be happy! cherish the season that you're in. if you know Him, He holds your heart in His hands. He is ABLE to guard that which we entrust to Him- our hearts and souls (2 Timothy 1:12). Have you entrusted your heart to Him? if you haven't, then I urge you to begin the journey of knowing God.

so...take heart, singles! I challenge you to find satisfaction in Him this valentines day...and every day following that. be HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY! (to quote duck dynasty :D) you ARE loved! He is the lover of your soul and wants you to know the width, the height, and the depth of His love for you! knowing His love is so much better than being worried about your status of singleness - promise!

whether you believe it or not, He can use you in your single season of life. let Him!